America the "Ugly"

“Ugly Betty” is so lame! Can I get a “hell yes!”?!?!?
Seriously, I don’t watch TV to see “ugly” (they said it first) people. I work for the City of Philadelphia and this place is a freaky deaky freakshow 24/7.
I watch TV to see the likes LC from “The Hills” who may not be beautiful but her lifestyle sure is. Then there are the dudes – Sawyer from “Lost”, the little Italian guy on “Heroes” who played Sly Stallone’s son in the latest “Rocky” movie with the unpronounceable name. That’s what I’m talking about. That is quality programming!
Can ABC just cancel the effing boring-ass show and admit that that shit is only on because it makes them feel less superficial. These are the same people who air “All my…” freaking “Children”.
I’m just sticking with HBO. “The Wire” is great TV!!!!

as a "writer", i am fairly obsessed with words/sexual positions. As some of you know, my signature act to discuss is the “blumpkin”. I first heard of it in college when an acquaintance who worked for sony music was recounting a night she had spent with spin doctors wannabe, dave matthews. At the time, she used it as a verb (“i blump, you blump, he/she blumps”) and the idea doing that to another human being truly disgusted me for it is not for the faint of heart. But the name stayed with me for some reason and I have subsequently and successfully used it as an ice breaker on several occasions (discussion of, not the actual act!).
recently, i was made aware of another rather saucy maneuver that trumps my beloved “blumpkin” both in name and the feat it describes. I’m talking about the “french motorboat". let's just say it involves a saucer of milk, a drinking straw and a scrotum.
Since i am doing absolutely nothing at work at the moment, I have decided to compile a list of some of my favorite urban legend moves (for definitions, please see urbandictionary.com). I can’t put that type of smut on my blog, thank you very much!
p.s. if you have any others you think I should know about please don’t hesitate to share your knowledge!
Here’s my list of faves:
Tony Danza
Danny Glover
Hot Carl
Pennsylvania Pinecone
Rusty Trombone
Cincinnati Fuckhouse

ZIPPETY DOO DAH!

this is the best news i've had in some time!

My Latest Nicks Fix

Last Friday night, I went and saw Stevie Nicks in concert for the 800th time. The hilarity of the night started at Good Dog, with a waitress named Pooper. Seriously, she wore a red, Datarock-esque track jacket with the name “Pooper” on the back, and to be totally honest, the food was uncharacteristically shit. Thanks, Poops!From there we hopped in a cab and headed down to Penn’s Landing to take the ferry across the Delaware (a la George Washington) to the hyper-illuminated Tweeter Center. Upon entering, the female/lesbian bag-inspector asked what I had in my purse, made a really bad joke about my iPod and then went to second base with me. Personally, I think my pink, sleeveless hoodie with original Stevie Nicks artwork that reads “Stand Back” made me look extra touchable. I haven’t been patted down like that in years! Thankfully, we got there just in time to miss Chris Isaak and bought ourselves a few beers. All around us were flowing skirts, anklets, banana hair clips, tie-dyes and perms, but all in all, everyone was pleasant enough. We found a central spot on the lawn and parked ourselves on our blanket, and shortly thereafter, the woman who claims to see crystal visions emerged on stage, triumphant, exuberant and shawled-up as ever. For 59 she rocked pretty hard. She played the classics – Landslide, Rhiannon, Gold Dust Woman, Edge of Seventeen, Stand Back – as well as some really bad ones which shall remain nameless because no one who’s reading this has probably ever heard of them (except for Brynn). For an encore, she wailed on Led Zepplin’s “Rock and Roll” and it was awesome! During the show, some weird things happened. Firstly no one in her band in under 50 and there was an unrelenting amount of leather (and not a lot of lace) up on the stage. From her back-up singers’ jackets, to her lead guitarists pants (he had Sideshow Bob hair to boot), to the OJ Simpson gloves Stevie herself had on at one stage – it was an older persons’ leather-fest… and then there were the scarves/shawls. At one stage – Stevie and Sideshow Bob were engaged in an elaborate, hunched, swaying dance with shawls flowing over both of them. Back and forth, back and forth. Really, they looked like stingrays mating. It was reasonably nauseating/hilarious/confusing. I would rank this concert as the second best I have seen Stevie give. The best being my first Stevie concert back in Hartford, CT in the summer of 1998. It even beat out seeing the entire Mac together (sans Christine McVie) in Sydney in 2004. We also had an impromptu photo shoot on the ferry but those pics are a little too x-rated for this blog!

awesomest new song recorded yesterday!

synergy - feels so sweet!

Carolla loves Paris

Last night, at a fancy, overpriced meal I made my parents take me to and then pay for, I asked my mom what she thought about the Paris Hilton “get-out-of-jail-free” situation. I should preface this by saying that my mother is not a huge fan of celebrity gossip – I mean, she likes a good and meaty, scandalicious story about a secret lover, murder, beastiality, etc but the day to day activities of dimwitted “celebutantes” doesn’t realty interest her. I wasn’t even sure if she knew who Paris Hilton was. But duh, Paris is everywhere (why? I still don’t get it!), so of course my mom knew all about her, the sex tapes, the driving with a suspended license, going to the slammer (even getting there early to serve her time). But all of Carolla’s knowledge was no match for her shocking response to my initial question. What did she think of Paris being under house arrest in stead of in the big house? I’m paraphrasing here, but she basically said: “Zippety doo dah! Paris is free!”.

My mom seems to think that it’s appropriate/fair that her sentence was reduced as it was based on the crime she committed. Carolla Cope, Esq. said no one ever goes to jail for driving with a suspended license and that even being under house arrest is a severe punishment. Between us, I would love to be locked in my house for a month and have people come and see me, bring me food, watch movies… it would be like the best vacation ever, like law-enforced laziness! I could even ask Christie of Christie’s Nails to make house calls. But I digress…

Really I don’t give two shits about Paris and hope the rest of the world gets on board with me soon. Yes, it’s unfair that the rich white girl gets special treatment. Maybe we should petition that she get the death penalty instead.

Actually I believe this is a good response to the whole ordeal.

LIKE/HATE

i know that you, my dedicated readers, are disappointed by my lack of bloggage lately but i'm coming back!
here is a "like/hate" that sums me up pretty accurately at this stage of my life. as some of you know, i used to make such lists in middle school. what this says about me, in a nutshell, is that i am a woman of extremes with a limited vocabulary. enjoy!

Like/Hate

Sun / rain
Stevie Nicks / Lindsay Buckingham
Kevin Mercer / Seth Laver
JonBenet Ramsay news / Natalee Holloway news
TGI Fridays roofdeck / Continental’s roofdeck
Kittens with missing limbs / regular kittens
The Scrunchees / Jethro Tull
Hebrew Nationals / Nathans
Nice eyebrows / Muffin-tops
Bourbon / Vodka
To play / To work
Skinny wrists / Chubby Wrists
Golden Girls / Designing Women
Mac n’ cheese / Deviled eggs
Opening presents / Opening bills
New clothes / Tattered crap
Brown people / white people

stevie news

what a well written piece! it's got me pumped for june 15th!

best song ever

http://www.myspace.com/thescrunchees

pop stars, luxury cars and royalties

i am a rock star… well, almost. last night I spent several hours laying down the vocals for what promises to be an international #1 single – “rock rodeo!”. The music and lyrics are by cope david, but the vocals I provide are 100% COPE LILY and totally stellar (understatement of the year!!!). we still need to add a couple of background vocals, etc and then we’ll have the best song ever recorded. I must admit, when I hear it, I think I sound like a pathetic, female cope david impersonator… but david thinks we’re going places… seriously. I told him we could call ourselves the Copenters… I have always dreamed of being anorexic.

Getting Nailed

Right by my office is the world’s worst nail salon. While it is cheap, they seem to only employ blind people with Parkinson’s disease. After a nail treatment there, my nails begin to chip and peel almost instantly, not to mention the amount of polish that they apply to the skin of my fingers which makes me feel like an old bag-lady. I hate it there. But (and this should not come as a surprise to anyone) I am cheap and lazy so I continue to go.
Usually when I am there, a DVD of either Shania Twain in concert or “Michael Jackson live from Lithuania” is playing. Both are severely nauseating. Shania’s outfits are beyond disgusting and her songs are rage-inducing (“Man, I feel like a woman” is the worst song ever recorded and should be outlawed!) Meanwhile, Michael’s still wearing those short, black “when’s the flood coming?” pants and moonwalking and grabbing the sock stuffed into the crotch of his pants and pointing while throwing his head back. There are lots of shots of his adoring fans who are all wearing those Dr. Huxtable sweaters because they are poor and from Eastern Europe. Again, I want to yak. But the worst thing ever which put me off the salon for about a month was a Steven Segal movie that could not have been more fucking torturous! What the fuck are his movies about? Supernatural alien army ghosts? What the fuck is that shit? What is his appeal? That was the last straw… for a while anyway.
This past work week I’ve been in twice and I will need to go in for a third visit to have a nail repainted today but major things are happening at City Nails… there have been new (and arguably good) movies playing. On Monday evening, I was treated to 25 minutes of a confused and upset Brad Pitt crying and yelling and getting frustrated in “Babel”. Then last night, I watched some of “blood diamond” with the director’s commentary. (Conflict diamonds are bad!) It’s nice to get out of the office to rot my brain not only with the fumes of the polish but also with the sights and sounds of Hollywood’s heavy hitters.
I can’t wait to see what they have screening today!

tips for taking red carpet photos that i learned on yahoo.com

1. Turn partially sideways, planting one foot in front of the other.
2. Pull your head forward to eliminate double chin.
3. Hold arms slightly away from the body.
4. Take a deep breath as you pull your shoulders back, chest forward.
5. Look away from the camera, then turn towards it, breaking into a smile before the camera clicks.
6. Wear an entire outfit of just one color.

saint stevie

seriously... what a gyps-errific lady!

oh, make me over!

i have this chemise. but mine is never this wrinkled. come on, kelly! get it together! i also saw this shirt on one of the characters from the recently deceased "o.c." which i never watched but was flipping through one time and voila, there was "summer" in my bcbg blouse...
i like this top in theory but like on kelly, it fits me strangely and is generally unflattering.
if this jesus-loving, proactiv-using, since-you-been-goning cheeseball is wearing this... i need a makeover! i also need a kirstie alley/valerie bertinelli partner in weight-loss as i prepare to lose 7 lbs. any takers? what a summer it'll be!

i heart america!

this is pretty amazing!

i'm hyperlinking

thanks, sam, for teaching me so much!
mess
fat
goddess
i'll construct a complete sentence next time.

self-tanning update

hear ye, hear ye!
i bought the tanning mousse and sponge/stick combo so now i can tie-dye myself at home! get ready for a summer of splotchiness!
yeah boooiiiii!!!!

get your kicks on route stevie nicks

In 1998, I went to my first stevie nicks concert. It was in Hartford, Connecticut, where my friend brynn grew up. I had just finished my freshman of college in nyc and was back in philly for the summer. It was may 27th… the day after stevie’s birthday to be exact, and we were pumped.
I took the train to Hartford and brynn and I immediately realized we had to do something special to commemorate stevie’s big 5-0. We took what brynn’s mom described as a “good” sheet (it was a white, cotton, twin flat sheet from kmart)and then bought some spray paint and went to work. We sketched the words painstakingly in pencil first and ended up with a red and silver mega-banner reading “happy b-day stevie 5/26” (we wanted her to know we knew her birthday was the day before.) long story short, all it ended up being used for that night was as a curtain while we took turns peeing on the lawn. It made great wall decoration in my dorm rooms during the subsequent years at school however. I think my mom tossed it, that wench!
In the parking lot in Hartford, we were offered hot dogs laced with pcp. Sadly, we declined. We ended up passing out during a three-song medley that consisted of stevie songs I had never heard before and hope to never hear again.
Later that summer, brynn and another friend from college, Louisa, came to philly to see the stevie show in camden. I brought along two friends from high school and it turned out to be a glorious summer evening. I drove everyone in my mom’s black Volvo station wagon and we picked up some “provisions” en route. While sitting in the car, we decided to partake in some of said provisions and before we knew it, a bike cop was standing by the driver-side door, smiling. At this stage I had moved to the passenger seat and louisa was in the driver seat. After about 30 seconds of stationary silence (we must have all thought "if we don’t move maybe he won’t see us and will go away"), we urged louisa to roll down the window. The extremely kind officer simply took one of the glass provision holders from lou and emptied it. he returned the apparatus and went on his way, but not before telling us not to do any more. Needless to say, we didn’t listen.
Not too much later we decided to go into the venue. As we moved away from the car, I knew I was not feeling so good so I decided to lie down, right there in the middle of the parking lot, in a lane of traffic, to rest a while. Eventually my friends were able to bring me to my feet and we entered the arena.
I have been obsessed with stevie ever since and have been to other shows. i even saw her perform with fleetwood mac (minus Christine mcvie) in sydney in 2004. that show sucked because all the middle-aged aussies felt compelled to sit and be silent throughout. I was told to “shut the fuck up!” and “sit the fuck down” which resulted in me spilling an open container of Bacardi Breezer all into my purse. I was like, “hey convicts! This is a rock concert!”
Fingers crossed, I’ll be back in camden with stevie this june!

gobbledygook

coming soon: excerpts from my 5th and 6th grade diary known as "ptk" or "personal thought keeper" (i got the acronym from an oriental rug dealer by the same name that used to be down the street from my parents' house).
friends have suggested that i try to get ptk published but I don’t think that’s very likely and it’s mostly because I don’t want to make celebrities out of the dipshits and nimrods who broke my teeny 10 year old heart back in the day (yes, sam blank, jonah peterson and seth laver – I am talking about you!)
ptk is beyond ridiculous, completely embarrassing and I must be loca to be posting it. it is full of “like/hate lists” (apparently jethro tull is the worst band ever) and I had a new best friend everyday (some things never change).
ptk also features guest writers, mainly my slightly less embarrassing friends, who wrote as if ptk were their own personal thought keeper. ptk was cool like that.
in closing, by posting snippets of ptk, my goal is to eradicate the world of all its ills and provide the little people out there with laughter which - as someone who is not familiar with, nor mentioned in ptk once said - is the best medicine. stay tuned!

meeting in the ladies room

my myspace page is pretty useless. i am not a musician/creative type with demos/reels/etc to show off and i really only want to be friends with people i know because everyone else is a potential freak/sexual predator and belongs in the capable hands of dateline nbc's chris hansen.
but i finally realized the perfect song to accompany myself.
initially, when i figured out how to put songs on (and it took over a year), I selected a song my my fave contemporary band from the north of england, maximo park. their music makes me want to pogo real bad. unfortunately it did not have the same effect on my friend samra who told me it made her terribly anxious. so i switched to amy winehouse's "rehab" because at the time, rehab was all the rage (lindsay, britney, robbie williams, the gardener from "desperate housewives" who got his big break on nbc's "passions") and i've been a fan of the wino since her debut album came out in 2003. anywho, that got played out and after i projectile vomited last week and probably could have used my own stint in rehab, i have been going songless since... and then it hit me.
as i stood with a group of coworkers while we were waiting to sneak out of the world's most boring luncheon ever, one of them said she was going to the ladies room and instinctively i began to sing the klymaxx classic "meeting in the ladies room". it's a great little ditty, poignant and catchy, and it has been one of my favorite songs since i can remember. i don't even know what it's really about (what are they meeting about in that ladies room? wasn't there a conference room free?)
as it turns out, klymaxx has their own myspace page only they don't allow you to use their songs on your own. what greedy bitches! so if anyone knows how to take a song from the outside world and bring it into myspace, give a holler.

fake tan (aka "little pieces of ice")

in my continuing quest to be the most beautiful woman on earth, i took the plunge and had fake tanner applied professionally to my entire body yesterday.
i'm slightly orange and my friend/co-worker moira said my hands look weird (they are the only part of my body exposed today since it's 56 degrees and they don't put it on the face). and while it is true - my hands do look weird - it felt great having a stranger apply brown mousse to my body with a sponge on a stick. and she went everywhere with that sponge on a stick. not to shock anyone, we totally went to "second base" and maybe some other bases but i was too busy talking about all sorts of rubbish to take note. actually the best part of it all was the full-body dead sea salt scrub beforehand which made my skin feel tear-jerkingly soft.
i would do it again only next time i will not chit-chat so much so she can concentrate on covering my fully nude physique with the strange-smelling crap. the threat of un-moussed pieces of flesh (there are a few today) is worth the awkward, "hey your sponging my boobs" silence.
all in all it's pretty exciting to be tan for no reason... and for only $50 (the same price as my pink, sleeveless, stevie nicks hoodie). but what i think i'll do next time is pay a friend to do it in exchange for a bottle of stoli.
next post: i'll discuss the "beaches" of our generation... which i decided is "beaches".