Friday, April 27, 2007

Getting Nailed


Right by my office is the world’s worst nail salon. While it is cheap, they seem to only employ blind people with Parkinson’s disease. After a nail treatment there, my nails begin to chip and peel almost instantly, not to mention the amount of polish that they apply to the skin of my fingers which makes me feel like an old bag-lady. I hate it there. But (and this should not come as a surprise to anyone) I am cheap and lazy so I continue to go.
Usually when I am there, a DVD of either Shania Twain in concert or “Michael Jackson live from Lithuania” is playing. Both are severely nauseating. Shania’s outfits are beyond disgusting and her songs are rage-inducing (“Man, I feel like a woman” is the worst song ever recorded and should be outlawed!) Meanwhile, Michael’s still wearing those short, black “when’s the flood coming?” pants and moonwalking and grabbing the sock stuffed into the crotch of his pants and pointing while throwing his head back. There are lots of shots of his adoring fans who are all wearing those Dr. Huxtable sweaters because they are poor and from Eastern Europe. Again, I want to yak. But the worst thing ever which put me off the salon for about a month was a Steven Segal movie that could not have been more fucking torturous! What the fuck are his movies about? Supernatural alien army ghosts? What the fuck is that shit? What is his appeal? That was the last straw… for a while anyway.
This past work week I’ve been in twice and I will need to go in for a third visit to have a nail repainted today but major things are happening at City Nails… there have been new (and arguably good) movies playing. On Monday evening, I was treated to 25 minutes of a confused and upset Brad Pitt crying and yelling and getting frustrated in “Babel”. Then last night, I watched some of “blood diamond” with the director’s commentary. (Conflict diamonds are bad!) It’s nice to get out of the office to rot my brain not only with the fumes of the polish but also with the sights and sounds of Hollywood’s heavy hitters.
I can’t wait to see what they have screening today!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

tips for taking red carpet photos that i learned on yahoo.com

1. Turn partially sideways, planting one foot in front of the other.
2. Pull your head forward to eliminate double chin.
3. Hold arms slightly away from the body.
4. Take a deep breath as you pull your shoulders back, chest forward.
5. Look away from the camera, then turn towards it, breaking into a smile before the camera clicks.
6. Wear an entire outfit of just one color.

saint stevie

seriously... what a gyps-errific lady!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

oh, make me over!

i have this chemise. but mine is never this wrinkled. come on, kelly! get it together! i also saw this shirt on one of the characters from the recently deceased "o.c." which i never watched but was flipping through one time and voila, there was "summer" in my bcbg blouse...
i like this top in theory but like on kelly, it fits me strangely and is generally unflattering.
if this jesus-loving, proactiv-using, since-you-been-goning cheeseball is wearing this... i need a makeover! i also need a kirstie alley/valerie bertinelli partner in weight-loss as i prepare to lose 7 lbs. any takers? what a summer it'll be!

Monday, April 9, 2007

Thursday, April 5, 2007

i'm hyperlinking

thanks, sam, for teaching me so much!
mess
fat
goddess
i'll construct a complete sentence next time.

self-tanning update

hear ye, hear ye!
i bought the tanning mousse and sponge/stick combo so now i can tie-dye myself at home! get ready for a summer of splotchiness!
yeah boooiiiii!!!!

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

get your kicks on route stevie nicks

In 1998, I went to my first stevie nicks concert. It was in Hartford, Connecticut, where my friend brynn grew up. I had just finished my freshman of college in nyc and was back in philly for the summer. It was may 27th… the day after stevie’s birthday to be exact, and we were pumped.
I took the train to Hartford and brynn and I immediately realized we had to do something special to commemorate stevie’s big 5-0. We took what brynn’s mom described as a “good” sheet (it was a white, cotton, twin flat sheet from kmart)and then bought some spray paint and went to work. We sketched the words painstakingly in pencil first and ended up with a red and silver mega-banner reading “happy b-day stevie 5/26” (we wanted her to know we knew her birthday was the day before.) long story short, all it ended up being used for that night was as a curtain while we took turns peeing on the lawn. It made great wall decoration in my dorm rooms during the subsequent years at school however. I think my mom tossed it, that wench!
In the parking lot in Hartford, we were offered hot dogs laced with pcp. Sadly, we declined. We ended up passing out during a three-song medley that consisted of stevie songs I had never heard before and hope to never hear again.
Later that summer, brynn and another friend from college, Louisa, came to philly to see the stevie show in camden. I brought along two friends from high school and it turned out to be a glorious summer evening. I drove everyone in my mom’s black Volvo station wagon and we picked up some “provisions” en route. While sitting in the car, we decided to partake in some of said provisions and before we knew it, a bike cop was standing by the driver-side door, smiling. At this stage I had moved to the passenger seat and louisa was in the driver seat. After about 30 seconds of stationary silence (we must have all thought "if we don’t move maybe he won’t see us and will go away"), we urged louisa to roll down the window. The extremely kind officer simply took one of the glass provision holders from lou and emptied it. he returned the apparatus and went on his way, but not before telling us not to do any more. Needless to say, we didn’t listen.
Not too much later we decided to go into the venue. As we moved away from the car, I knew I was not feeling so good so I decided to lie down, right there in the middle of the parking lot, in a lane of traffic, to rest a while. Eventually my friends were able to bring me to my feet and we entered the arena.
I have been obsessed with stevie ever since and have been to other shows. i even saw her perform with fleetwood mac (minus Christine mcvie) in sydney in 2004. that show sucked because all the middle-aged aussies felt compelled to sit and be silent throughout. I was told to “shut the fuck up!” and “sit the fuck down” which resulted in me spilling an open container of Bacardi Breezer all into my purse. I was like, “hey convicts! This is a rock concert!”
Fingers crossed, I’ll be back in camden with stevie this june!

Monday, April 2, 2007

gobbledygook

coming soon: excerpts from my 5th and 6th grade diary known as "ptk" or "personal thought keeper" (i got the acronym from an oriental rug dealer by the same name that used to be down the street from my parents' house).
friends have suggested that i try to get ptk published but I don’t think that’s very likely and it’s mostly because I don’t want to make celebrities out of the dipshits and nimrods who broke my teeny 10 year old heart back in the day (yes, sam blank, jonah peterson and seth laver – I am talking about you!)
ptk is beyond ridiculous, completely embarrassing and I must be loca to be posting it. it is full of “like/hate lists” (apparently jethro tull is the worst band ever) and I had a new best friend everyday (some things never change).
ptk also features guest writers, mainly my slightly less embarrassing friends, who wrote as if ptk were their own personal thought keeper. ptk was cool like that.
in closing, by posting snippets of ptk, my goal is to eradicate the world of all its ills and provide the little people out there with laughter which - as someone who is not familiar with, nor mentioned in ptk once said - is the best medicine. stay tuned!