my profile died

after the basket case diaries pointed out that i was dead in the blogosphere (the tombstone with "some name" was just too good to pass up), i felt it was time to write a eulogy. until i remembered just how funny i am.
so i uploaded a new photo as part of my user profile and with a new lust for life, i'm returning to my roots. my dark brown roots.
get pumped. there will be more posts coming at you soon. it'll be swell! we can talk about the phillies, my cats, good new bars in town, people i loathe, you know, the usge.
love yous! go phils! xoxo

buongiorno tutti!

When I woke up yesterday at 4am in a strangely excited moment of jet-lagged energy, I started thinking about you, dear readers, and I couldn’t wait to unleash all of the ups and the one or two downs of “Kevin and Lily’s Italian Getaway 2008: A Journey Through Time and Space” (literally).

However, one day later, and one day closer to the greatest day in my 29 years of being a Philadelphian, I am feeling less inclined to scintillate you with a gut-busting narrative of our trip so in stead here are some short and hopefully humorous bullet points divided into two categories: “Highlights” and “Lowlights” (both of which I’ll be getting done to my hair this Saturday.

So we begin in Venice…

Highlights

Venice: Seeing the nowhere-else-like-it-on-Earth city for the first time since I was 8 years old. With the Grande Canal and narrow waterways – it’s like Disney World for adults. Simply amazing! Plus I finally got my gondola ride and drank some sensational coffee. The architecture Biennale was on and featured cool ass stuff by Frank Gehry and Zaha Hadid, among others. Plus, saying Biennale made me think of “The Big Lebowski” and I hoped to bump into “Sandra”. And of course, surprising my father-in-law on his 70^th birthday was tops.

Fivizzano: town with a totally dramatic setting amongst the mountain range known as the Alpi Apuane in northwestern Tuscany where our friend Tom has an apartment. We ate a couple of great meals in nearby (and by nearby I mean up the mountain and down and up and down again and around and backwards and down windy, windy, windy road after windy, windy, windy road and BARF – I ended up having to buy motion sickness meds. Maybe that’s a lowlight).

Portofino/Santa Margherita: Lovely Mediterranean seaside towns with beautiful scenery and lots of posh peeps. Upon disembarking the ferry at Portfino we were greeted by my friends, Mr. Vuitton, Mr. Dior and Dr. Ferragamo. It was yachty/poshy madness!

Pisa: That Leaning Tower is ridiculous! I loved it! It is just amazing to look at such a great architectural fuck-up. There was also a major demonstration by college students protesting the prime minister’s attempts to cut funding. A fab meal in a grotto-like restaurant. Plus I bought a cool new jacket.

Siena: Holy hilltop medieval city! The drive between Florence and Siena is abso gorgeo! How you imagine Tuscany to be. Vineyards, villas… loved it! Awesome restaurant and hotel – and lots of gelato. Much cooler than its mortal enemy Florence. BURN!

Rome: It wasn’t built in a day and I don’t recommend trying to see it in one either. However the Colosseum was quite a sight to behold as were the other remains from the Roman Empire. History is bitchin!

Lowlights

Venice: Totally mediocre food – like what you get served up in a school lunchroom and I don’t mean the delicacy that was the chicken patty. Also we were witness to a seagull dropping the well masticated wing of a poor Venetian pigeon. It was grosser than gross.

Fivizzano: Getting there in our royal blue Fiat Panda which was like a can of Fancy Feast cat food on wheels. However, Kevin’s driving was stellar and I could sit back and enjoy the autostrade. The church bells across the town square that rang every hour and half hour and limited our sleeping intervals to 29 minute sessions were simply terrible!

Portofino/Santa Margherita: Everybody there was like 1,000 years old.

Pisa: Like the Philadelphia of Italy: lots of colleges and other than a major attraction or two, there were dirty/ugly people everywhere.

Siena: I don’t think there is one – except I woke in the middle of the night for some reason and couldn’t fall back to sleep.

Rome: Big, crowded, dirty, pickpockets, gypsies, and the Sistine Chapel closes at 2 o’fucking clock on Sundays. Poor Kevin didn’t get to see the ET fingers touching! Shit airport but great Duty Free shopping.

There you have it. I’m sure I’ve left out some major details but I figure the pictures, once I upload them, will tell a thousand words.

Ciao bambini! xoxox

SARAH SILVERMAN is AMAZING!

GLUTARDS are the best TARDS!

Last night was an amazing adventure into the culinary underbelly - an underbelly that does not contain gluten.
Mark Summers, Miss Philadelphia, Miss Outstanding Teen Pennsylvania and a bunch of Jon-Benet Ramsey wannabes were all there to support those people who are allergic to wheat gluten. It was incred! Not to mention a certain Philadelphia 76er who "supports, supports".
There was enough food to feed a nation of glutards and the food was delicioso. Short ribs, duck nachos, corn flan with robiola, lobster mac and cheese - we were so happily stuffed by the end.
I'm happy I got to share the experience with my dear, Celiac-diseased friend, Ali, who, despite coping with a neck injury and looking like Joan Cusack in "Sixteen Candles", had the best night of her life.
Now come over and get your bags of gluten-free food, B!

you take the good, you take the bad...

I just learned that in 1987, The Facts of Life was nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling. (Moonlighting won. Max Headroom was also nominated.) Tootie must have been pissed!
I wonder if 227 was ever recognized. I mean, I recognize it every February 27 - aka 2/27 - which is like the best day of the year. That Marla Gibbs was an inspiration!

In other news, the guy from Moviefone died. "Why don't you just tell the name of the movie you'd like see?"
R.I.P.

welcome back, your dreams were your ticket out

so here we are. it's been so long! how i've missed my dedicated disciples.
i figure that after a friday night that included bringing a 20-pack of Depends to a strip club, i should probably get back on the old blogging bandwagon. my life stories are simply too dang amazing to not be shared on the WWW. plus i think the threat of a libel lawsuit has quietly gone away.
above is a recent photo of me with austin powers that i thought you might enjoy.
here's some lily news for those who care:
i live in a much nicer house now in a much better neighborhood.
i recently met the mayor of newark, delaware: vance funk.
i have been eating really unhealthily lately.
we're going to italy in mid-october.
babylson came out.
i really need to work less so i have saucy things to talk about.
stubbs and artie are thriving.
i promise to post something more interesting the next time around which will hopefully be in less than a year (crazy!). big love! xoxoxoxoxoxo

America the "Ugly"

“Ugly Betty” is so lame! Can I get a “hell yes!”?!?!?
Seriously, I don’t watch TV to see “ugly” (they said it first) people. I work for the City of Philadelphia and this place is a freaky deaky freakshow 24/7.
I watch TV to see the likes LC from “The Hills” who may not be beautiful but her lifestyle sure is. Then there are the dudes – Sawyer from “Lost”, the little Italian guy on “Heroes” who played Sly Stallone’s son in the latest “Rocky” movie with the unpronounceable name. That’s what I’m talking about. That is quality programming!
Can ABC just cancel the effing boring-ass show and admit that that shit is only on because it makes them feel less superficial. These are the same people who air “All my…” freaking “Children”.
I’m just sticking with HBO. “The Wire” is great TV!!!!